I was so freaking tired. I went through the house, trying to find my kids. I wanted to tell them to go to bed but the house was silent and pretty dark. I walked down a hall to the right and found a door open. It was being used as storage but, by the placement of some of the items in the room, my memory said that it used to be my room and some of things were mine. I remember where my bed was in this room. It might still be there if I just moved a few things. I could maybe lay down and sleep in this room. But, the kids weren’t in there.
I retreated into the hall and went the other direction. I figured they’d be playing in the room at the end. I start calling their names but the house remains silent. Reaching the door, I listen and hear absolutely nothing so I swing it open. Only, instead of a room, there’s another wall made of a series of locked safes behind the door. I know that my children are in there and that this can’t be possible because there’d be no way to get them out.
Based on how exhausted I am, I realize I must be dreaming. This is a night terror and I have to wake up because something bad is going to happen and I don’t want to see it. I also don’t want to get hurt and I could be sleep walking so I start screaming. Screaming the names of anyone that could be in the house and telling them that they need to say or do something to wake me up.
Now, a normal person takes blinking for granted. You “blink” through the process of quickly closing your eye lids and opening them again. When you do so, everything is the exact same as when you closed them. I’ll bet you’ve never really stopped and processed what life would be like if anything could change the moment you open them. Your brain wouldn’t even be prepared to handle these “changes” if they happened too often. Think about it. You’re at work and just doing your think, blink mindlessly, but when you open your eyes there’s a monster, writing on the wall, a person in front of you that wasn’t there before. How long do you think you could live like that without going crazy? For a person with night terrors, the blink is the portal to the next existence.
So, that said, I’m screaming for someone to wake me up and the blink happens. When my eye lids open, the door I had opened is now shut but beginning to open again. Someone from the inside is pushing it open in normal time and with normal speed. I see inside that it’s actually a decent sized storage closet and three of my kids are in there with their Halloween candy. They had been sitting in there trying to eat as much of it as they could without me knowing. They each stand up, knowing they’re in trouble and hand me their bags of candy. We have a brief conversation in the kitchen about what they’re doing and moderation and blah, blah, blah. I send them to bed.
Some other things happened but I can’t remember their order so I’ll leave them out. The last thing I remember is watching a young woman (maybe early 20s) standing naked in a grocery store. She had dried blood on her body and very wet blood on her hands. She was very thin, not well endowed, and seemed angry. Not angry in her demeanor, facial expression, or voice (because she didn’t say anything) but it seemed like her soul was angry. In her hands, she had the face of a baby or young child. Not the head, meaning: not the skull, just the actual face. It was all of the skin as if it had been peeled off of the head. There was a hole cut in the scalp and the face had blue eyes.
This young woman stepped into the hole in the top of the head as if it were a garment and carefully but tediously pulled it up her body. I thought, “oh god, this lady is going to pull it all the way up and walk around with a baby’s face over her own!” Now, that’s kind of a silly thought because, if she were going to have done that, she would have just put it over her own head rather than pull it up her body. She continued to pull until the face was around her upper torso, like a midrif shirt. A man over at the deli counter had noticed her and was standing and staring. I wasn’t there, just watching this from some other place as if it were a show or movie.
And then I woke up. In my bed. I got some coffee, checked my email, looked at Facebook, and decided to write this up. This makes the fourth time I’ve been “awake” in several hours. At least, I think I’m awake. This is part of the difficulty. It’s the extended issue of the “blink”. Because, what is waking up if nothing other than just opening your eye lids? Yes, people dream and they’re awake in their dream but “waking up” four times and never getting to sleep is a pain in the ass. It tells your brain that you didn’t get to sleep the whole time because you were consciously aware of being continuously exhausted. While I’m glad their isn’t a baby-face-wearing naked chick in this existence, I would have rather just been able to sleep in silence.
I do want to point out: this isn’t a story. This is a completely true relation of my dreams last night. I didn’t exaggerate anything or make anything up. The fact that it’s May and my children were eating Halloween candy would be a pretty good indicator that I wasn’t aware that I was still dreaming. Night terrors are bad enough but having one in a dream just seems like an extra fuck you from the universe. It’s like, “Yay, I didn’t have a night terror last night, I just dreamt” but at the same time, I fell asleep in my dream and had one so it’s not exactly a win. Anyway, it was a weird dream sequence and a great example to demonstrate some of the difficulties that have to be faced by someone with this disorder. It’s not all screaming and hurting themselves. The mental aspects can be pretty brutal.